The insanity in her Stay safe

Being a  mother is every woman’s dream, especially in our African culture in marriage. So when you start having them immediately, the tension of mother-in-law looking constantly at your stomach becomes something that you as a wife won’t worry about, especially if you are not their favourite choice. I remember a sister saying to me

“do you know how painful it is to see your menstrual cycle come at each month after all the prayers, medication, loving, sexing, faith and declaration? Do you know how as the year runs half way and nothing, your heart being to palpitate on the eyes and body gesture of your in-laws, especially your mother-in-law?

Well, I couldn’t answer these and so many other questions she asked. Though I could appreciate her pains and sympathized with her, yet could not say I felt her pain. The saying that says she who wears the shoe knows where it pinches most is so true, because truly one who has not been at that same position does not feel the pain as the victim.

So that bundle of joy, having been blessed with them, then came his death becomes a beautiful burden that we gladly carry even as a widow. The strength of every widow is her children yet they remain her biggest source of fear and big shame. Her fear in providing for them and shame of her inability to do the same. At his death, as these kids collect their father’s love and add it to that of their mother so do they reallocate all demands and responsibilities to her. 

I remember in my early years when I have to walk away from the house to ease off from the pressure of their love and demand. Days when I can’t help but wait for them to go to school, church or visit as I sit back in the comfort of my lone room to brood my pains. Days when in shame, I try to make my kid(s) feel better knowing that I have vented my frustration and emotion on them. 

So I understand clearly when Katie chatted me that late night complaining that she doesn’t know what is wrong with her, that she thinks she is losing it. Calling her, she told how she’s been beating her son so constantly that the boy sees her and runs into the room and that her heart is broken.

When Bola said that her son woke up and asked for bread and she gave him one at about 6am, only for the boy at about 9am to tell her “mom we haven’t eaten breakfast”

•I understand when the food they bought for the 14 days ordinarily should have lasted the month if they were running a normal life has run out and there’s no money to restock.

•I understand why she’s snapping out and nagging constantly. Why she’s arguing and shouting on the kids at the slightest questions talk less of mistakes.

•I understand why the kids are on their toes unduly too careful as the atmosphere in the house is a bit tense to put it mildly. 

•I understand why she’s beating the son not because the boy is a bad boy or the daughter not because she’s not helping out but because the family is in a bad time.

•I understand she’s scolding or/and beating her kids not because she’s an abusive mother but because her emotion is highly abused

•I understand how she sits in darkness of her day praying, hanging on the hope that God’s angels are climbing into her dark pot to draw her out of her boiling point.

•I understand why she sits up in her bed at night confused about her emotions, as she does not know whether it’s the want and warmth of a hold she needs or the want of more food for the kids at that time; which is better?

•I understand why some will say food without a thought yet get that more food at such time yet unable to relax to sleep. These and so many of her struggles I understand very well.

But what I don’t understand is when so many of us family, culture, religion, tradition, government and others pretend as if these does not matter or is not as serious to be a bother.

•I don’t understand stand while some parents are out in the streets in their estate jogging and exercising with their kids as they are all bloated out with so many leftover thrown in dustbin, yet has relative who are widows and their minds has not been attuned to reach out even when they are approach.

•I don’t understand when the culture in the authority of traditional leaders watches this woman being stripped naked by in-laws knowing that at all times, with such time as this coronavirus she is the soulprovider for her home.

•I don’t understand why government will continue to make widows issues a clause hidden under one issue, knowing the magnitude of its issues alone; as they at each political step uses it to gain some scores, knowing that just like the developed countries all is needed are policies and facilities to truly protect and empower her

•I don’t understand why religious groups cannot speak loudly on the kind of disenchantment widows are experiencing across culture to which participants are all Christians as the worst actions are experienced in the Southern part of our Nigeria where we are predominantly Christians.

The ‘I don’t’ understand list can go on and on, and you’ll ask what has that got to do with widows insanity the kids?

Well, If you did not steal from her in the name of your brother’s property. 

If you did not take her land in the name of culture

If she had better access to build her finance

If she had facilities and grants for kids welfare

If she had the right solidarity from you,

She will at least be battling with her libido alone in this stay at home with basic necessity for the kids feeding and recreation to minimal, giving her and her kids less things to worry 

Sarah in lagos is her father’s house today in the lock down with her kid, suffocating in her emotions as try to protect her kid and parents having being locked out of her house as in-laws sold her car and carted away plenty.

Angela is in her parents house with four kids at Onitsha in this stay at home to stay safe having buried the husband early this year recovery for the traumatic experiences of not just his death but their actions; in anticipation of next in-laws move having lost the first movement to take authority of late husband’s business barely a month ago.

The insanity of the widows sanity in this lockdown #StayAtHome #staysave #covid19 is a watch out for families, friends and society. Don’t forget her, reach out with gift of cash, food and words of encouragement. She needs it loads

To you dear widows, even this will pass. Refuse the negative ministration of the mind. Millions of people are facing even worse challenges. Have Hope for it is the ladder that faith uses to clime out of the darkness spot of today to a tomorrow that is only one that holds the change. Call a family, a friend, a neighbour even a foe. Tell it to someone. There’s an angel at each bend.