The Untold Story; child’s perspective.

There’s no agony like bearing the agony of the untold story of Maya Angelou.

We often underplay the effect of widowhood as we forget the children who are raised under this family. I remember a post I saw on Facebook one day by a creature who feels because he has a tail in between his thighs so he has the audacity to insult the women and it said “never marry a lady raised by a single mom. They don’t value marriage”. I couldn’t help feeling insulted but that’s a discussion for another day.

I have had young men and women raised by a widow chat with me privately appreciating me for what I am doing; Linda a widow’s daughter in one of her Twitter DM said “I just want to say that I appreciate you being a voice to widows out there. It’s good to see someone finally speaking about the plights of widows and not just about asking for help but actually asking for a change in mindset and ideologies relating to widows”. Her message was powerful, “change, mindset and ideologies” very appropriate to my principal and Almanah Hope Foundation vision.

When Bola chatted again few days ago “Good evening ma, My name is Bola, I’m 24 years old, a student of Federal University Of Oye Ekiti, 400 level. Department of peace and conflict studies. I love your show so much. And also my mom, she is a Widow. We lost my dad 18years ago. But I so much I understand the emotional, psychological, financial stress etc which she bears and endure. What can I do to help her?

My heart caved in, for I felt a different weight of what these kids are also going through in their silence. The agony too they carry. I remember my four year daughter telling me a few months after her father’s death, practically begging “mommy please don’t let anything happen to you, I don’t want you to die; I don’t want to be an orphan”. I was shocked by her statement and understanding of the import of the word “orphan”. A fear looking into Bola’s question that she still carries even in her husband’s house.

I took a step further after telling her how great she’s been doing in keeping a level head and being responsible to tell me her innermost thoughts as regards her journey with mom this past 18 years; I wanted to relief her of the agony of untold story she must have bottled up and below is Bola’s article.

“From the beginning as a child I did not understand what it means to lose a father, but gradually I started getting the clearer picture that it involves my mum sharing the responsibility of two individuals, which was not supposed to be so. Widowhood of a mother shapes the children’s life drastically, because I learnt to be self independent at a very tender age. Sometimes I remember telling myself we are in this together. Widowhood to me as a child trained by a widow is Painful, Enduring and Stressful. To the widow and to us her children.

I would like to talk about these points. What do I mean by the word painful: The mental picture that she is going to be the only one to train, nurture, feed, discipline, share our sad and good memories together is an agony in itself. The pain of losing my father for me is there, but when I look at my mother the pain of been alone, most times frustrated because of finance getting bad, having a bad day from work, trying to pretend to be fine in the morning meanwhile wept throughout the night, the burden on her can’t be describe which we see even in all her effort to conceal it.

Sometimes I wonder why he died? Why does this one person have to carry this burden all alone? What can I do to help her? How has she been coping, especially her emotions? The pain of a child or children’s perspective of Widowhood to me is that I have no alternative like others, so I need to reduce her workload instead of being fragile as a young girl, I learnt to share in her pain by not contributing to it. The psychological, Emotional and physical pain she carries we often carry them because subconsciously you exists in fear.

I often can’t help feeling that if my dad was alive things would’ve be easier, better, and faster. At least I will have someone to share my darkest moment with. If mom does not work, dad will work but here it’s just mom, so I seal it for fear of adding more pain and stress. So I learnt to grow up myself, sort myself out because there is so much one individual can do and she has more than enough for to chew.

Imagine at the age of 13 to 18. When puberty stage set in, I immediately understood about it the moment she explained I could not mess up because I knew she would be disappointed. Enduring the disposition of widowhood as brought to my mum is a big one so could not add to it. Normally marriage should involve two coming together to take family responsibility in consideration of each other in love as they endure all things. But widowhood is Enduring it alone; from families issues, from false accusations, from indecent man looking for ways to have relations with her, Enduring the way society look at her as if she wanted that for herself, the way married women sometimes thinks she is interested in her husband or the husband thinks she’s interested in him because she is a widow, they see her a single lonely woman looking for companion at all time. Yet in it all, she does not give up on us. The insults she collects from the workplace and business places on account of her status, the bad and good times  (hmmmm), the list is ending though hidden by her yet seen by us. Endurance I tell you ma, is the key word of widowhood in all aspects which we can’t though imagine enough yet knows she takes them back to back at all sides.

I feel jealous sometimes if I see my friends and their fathers the way they talk and relate to fatherly role, no one can be like my father to me; likewise to her no one can replace that void in her heart, (hmmm). Because of us she has endured most and is still Enduring more, all in the loneliness of her needs.

Parenting is stressful and at the end it is rewarding yet parenting involves two individuals; but widowhood is the responsibilities of two people now that of one individual, this is what is I see Stressful. Parenting that includes two people sometimes may not be successful, yet a woman carries it alone as she go extra miles for her children to be success further by fear as the pain of her children’s failure and society’s comments torments her because our society has a distinct ability of blaming women for kids that goes wrong; this is the part that keeps her in a devastated mood.  With my mom, I see the stress of the journey on her and as a child being raised there, that stress of her robs into you. I immediately saw the need to learn most things faster than individuals that are my age because I need to lessen the burden for mom. Nature has inculcated that in us as her kids, we are quick to readjust our needs, wants and desires because she is doing it alone even as the desire remains underneath.

I remember vividly when I was unable to gain admission as soon as others, how she was worried about it; because she started feeling like she had failed, sometimes she would say and I quote “Me and your father wanted you to go to a higher institution” She struggled with this for so long and it was all so stressful for her and for me. In widowhood the family is constantly exposed to Physical , Emotional And Psychological pain because they feel scrutinised by public. Mom is over working herself for extra income to maintain and sustain us, kids are burdened with fear of asking for needs even at the basic necessity of life.

Even in her health, as with all issues she has no one to talk to about it because she feels it is too much for us. She most often ignores her physical appearance because she is tired and overwhelmed by stress of what we will eat, wear, what the future holds for us. She endures her pain in silence as she replays her well rehearsed tune “I am fine” with obvious sickness when asked.

Emotions, smile… My mum is a typical Nigerian woman when it comes to her emotions she hides it well, but sometimes speaks  up. She has often wept bitterly about her situations which I know but I couldn’t understand much but getting a bit clearer. You know it can be stressful when you bottle up emotions because no one can understand or no one to listen. She takes them to her God, so she states at all times. What is she feeling? How she is feeling ? I can’t understand but can sometimes imagine.

Growing up to understand more things, this most times had led me to a state of frustration, aggression and depression. I wish dad was here to help her, to help us. Her Priorities on life changed because of widowhood, her desires and dreams altered. Psychologically it affects her mind and her wellbeing. Her thoughts are so divided between fear and shame. She is not like everybody, she does not think like everybody. The loneliness of mind is more stressful than anything, though it is not visible yet we can sense it. 

Wow, the agony of an untold story. That’s the mind of a child who lost her dad as a 6 years girl now a 24 years old young adult. She was unguided by any question and you can see how deep and manipulated her life journey has been through her mother’s despite the mom’s conscious effort in protecting them; yet like a mirror it has reflected theirs.

Can we see how every action of widowhood affects her offspring?

Do you know that’s how every of these in its ’cause and effect’ principle affects the society, the global goals; it’s about crime, poverty, diseases, quality life, education etc?

Do you know that the African culture of patriarchal society is gradually wearing off and gradually leaning towards matriarchy?

When you ‘his family’ humiliate, abuse, Exploit and victimize a woman in widowhood and she runs to her family with her kids, where will their love and loyalty be?

Until widows and all issues become an integral part of all actions and discussion of gender equality there will be no equity in the equality.

Locked down this #covid19, x-raying down the journey as my society begins to experience pockets of violence with one called the “one million boys” ask from this young lady’s write up knowing that caught in the conspiracy of silence and secrecy approach to it’s issue, she has simply given a tip of the iceberg as more hideous thoughts and actions lies in between which even me still has a lot in my own skelton, the ripple effect of widowhood in our society.

Watch out for more insight from the eagle eyes of her child as we unveil the hood in widowhood.