The Untold Widows Story (Patrisiah Pt.1)

There’s no agony like bearing the agony of untold story Maya Angelou.

As widows I don’t know chat me up on social media to appreciate me. And as they began telling me their stories, I realised truly that Maya Angelou saying. These untold stories are indeed an agony we still carry even when people think we’ve healed with years. It’s in us all. I felt lighter when I opened my mouth to speak on the abuses of the journey comes from the culture, family, social, religious and occupational sector. The weight of the loss got lesser and the pain of the shame disappeared. I sometimes have my sympathy on the abusers considering the saying that says silence is acceptance. So for all not to justify their acts with ignorance, I begin to tell these untold stories across cultures on widowhood as I hear it. With permission of the widows I publish her picture or anonymous I use a graphic.

Patrisiah from  Nyanza province Kenya

My husband died 19th october 1995. He suddenly started complaining of headache and fever one night and he drank a pain-killer. Because we had no money to hire a taxi to rush us to the hospital and he was getting more ill the next day, I had to use the public bus  to the hospital, unfortunately he died before we could reach the hospital. Keeping the body in the mortuary, I went home.

That was the beginning of trauma. 

When I got home and narrated my ordeal, everyone in his family became aggressive, asking me questions one after the other on the cause of the death. I tried to explain how it happened but no one was listening to me as they continued their complaints. Why didn’t I let them know that their man was sick that night? They actually concluded in their arguments with the accusation that it was only me who knew the cause of his sudden death.

But in my clan even if  the husband has been bedridden, the relatives must look for something to link you up with the death of the husband .

As expected the relatives especially in-laws start saying all manner of things against me. These accusations are what usually lead to the rejection of widows by everybody in the society.

For me, it all starts from that day the husband dies. His body stayed about  2 weeks before burial. During these days, nobody shares anything with you. You see a group of two and more, to confirm you’re either the subject of discussion or an object to avoid, if you try to reach them, they immediately disperse. You are automatically alienated as I look on with pain all through the period of burial arrangements. That’s the start of journey of LONELINESS and EMMOTIONAL TORTURE.

During my husband’s burial I was seriously harassed and abused. A month after his burial one of my in-laws beat me upon and sent me out of their home.

Mind you some widows get chased away after a short period of time as they take the properties left by the husband. You remain with nothing including lands.

As a widow you must do what they want you to  or else they chase you away from their family.

Four days after burial an old woman came to my house as early as 6 am, before that they had sent the news of the activity of that day which is shaving the hair plus your children. This is done with razor blade,water and soap.

Until all the activities are performed, you don’t leave your compound to go out or meet with any woman of a young age. You immediately become alienated by friends.

After shaving your hair and that of your children’s, you are to stay within your compound until the new hair grows, only then are you free to walk around.

After all these activities, before you are allowed to go back to your normal activities, you will be told that since you have children, you will NEVER have any sexual relationship outside your family. This message is passed strongly with instruction that all your children will die once you do that. We are usually very afraid when we hear this as such are caught in the trap of abuse.

Traditionally you are the one to talk to the man to come to you and “inherit you”, because inheritance is a must in this side of our culture. When you feel like having another man, you can go to one of the widows and ask her to help you go talk to a man you have feelings for.

But you must first go and tell one of your in-laws to be one. The man can either agree or disagree. Often, a man can make mockery of you that he agrees but goes to tell the wife to refuse on his behalf because the wife must agree too. Sometimes the man might want you but the wife disagrees.

There must be in a consensus to the love affair by both parties (husband and wife)

It can be scary. Because of this, often most women on seeing you speak to her husband or the husband of her friend, be sure you will be given the insult of your life with questions as; did you kill your husband for mine? 

We live an emotional painful life here. During this period, no man can come to your house. Even widows themselves live in fear of other women with their husbands as your simplest hello can bring the most embarrassing situation from other women. The general public attitude is poor as people in their actions humiliate widows as they go through all forms of mistreatment.

Yes, all this still happens, shaving a widow’s hair plus her children is still happening. Late last year 2019 and this January 2020 it happened to 2 young widows of my clan

In all these you continue hunting for the man that will stay with you after being a widow in the kindred. 

When you fail to get that one you like, this the time you will pick any man you meet in order to release you from these dangerous signs that have been stated if you step out of your clan.

All these happen because there is none of your in-laws who is ready to break these chains of traditional belief and if, in any case you are lucky get one of your in-laws who volunteer to break these chains. Be assured you’ve applied for gossip and war from the wife.

But all I can say is that they are refusing to do these things because of greediness and if you avoid all these and bring a man from outside, your in-laws then come after you. As  they complain and accuse you of bringing in someone else to come and eat their son’s wealths. It is a complicated life;

“you said right, it’s way too complicated and callous”.

After getting a man, to bring him to your house, there are a lot of things you are to do. The first night you’ll be alone with him forcing your children to spend the night away from home. By the next day you will be a strange woman in this community because that “mama mzee” the old woman, will come again and repeat those rites that she did on you on the fourth day after the burial date and after that the man can become your live-in lover.

And it is you that will take the man back to their home. On that day you’ll meet another old woman waiting for you with a traditional herb to pour in the food that his wife had cooked for you. The wife again can wait for you in a nice manner as you think all is good since it’s the “our culture” but on reaching there she’ll give you the beating of your life as she ask you; did you killed your husband inorder to take hers? Explain why and how did you start after completing this course and when you started with an emotional life that “uta juta”. By the time all these are over you have lost all yourself esteem. 

Watch out for the concluding part.